Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
