Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
