Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I had to cum in my sink.
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