Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
