woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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