I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
