It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize