gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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