remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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