I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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