u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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