I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
