I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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