He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize