'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
