the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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