Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
whose parrot is this?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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