I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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