I just saw a hot homeless man
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
