This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
