like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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