Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
