I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
