It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
