Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
