Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
