How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
