Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have tasted many bathrooms
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
