took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
All the doctor said was why
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
