break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
