I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
