dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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