I seem to have left my pride at pride
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
