I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
