I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
