one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
