Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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