i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
