Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
