Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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