I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
