i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
