i hope you realize when i said "grib" earlier i was referring to the gridded binary, a mathematically concise data format commonly used in meteorology to store historical weather forecast data. also meant in referential conjunction to my probability math class that i am failing at roughly 215pm tomorrow afternoon.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
