god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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