apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
