Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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