in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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