I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Found your dick twin last night
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
