Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
