Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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