WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
