New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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