I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
