I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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