my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
