Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Randomize
