Taylor Swift is so right about you.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
