I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
