I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize