My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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